If They're Celebrities Why Don't I Know Who They Are?

I love to read, which is good, because as a writer it’s pretty much one of the requirements. I also like to think that I have somewhat highbrow tastes. Given the choice between Danielle Steel and Toni Morrison, I’m going with Ms. Morrison every time.

But I have a dirty little secret: I used to love looking as the glossy tabloids. You know the ones: People, US Weekly, Star Magazine, the publications that run photos of Jennifer Anniston almost weekly, and made Kim Kardashian a celebrity. 

I do have some standards; I never actually buy these magazines. I don’t steal  them either. They’re a guilty pleasure, not a misdemeanor.

Nope, I read these bastions of lower learning at doctor’s offices, insurance waiting rooms and occasionally at the emergency room. Mostly, though I check them out while waiting at the hair salon. That was the case last week. I was waiting for my roots to be done, so I picked up a copy of US Weekly.

Now if you haven’t seen US in a while this is the ultimate celebrity tabloid. It sports features like, “Who  Wore It Best” and “Celebrities: They are just like Us.” The latter shows paparazzi photos of stars shopping for food, hanging with their kids and dining out. And, if you were wondering,  no, they aren’t just like us, unless you are dressed by a stylist and put on full make-up just to go to Ralphs, where your publicist has alerted the media you’ll be shopping. 

I enjoy these little trips into fluff.  Usually.  Last week not so much. First I read US, then Star and for good measure, I perused People. I didn’t recognize the names of half of the ‘celebrities’ in the stories.

It didn’t stop me.  I may not know who Kym Baclash is, but I am now aware that she’s “ready to walk down the aisle.” As for somebody named Janelle Evans, apparently her “first day with baby Kaiser was totally ruined” for some reason.  Which does sound like a bummer.

There were a few names I recognized. There was at least one story about Jennifer Anniston, who had either gotten her heart broken (again), or was sporting a baby bump (again) , or is getting back together with Brad (again).  

There were also articles on Jessica Simpson  

- sadly, I do know who she is-  and Monica Lewinsky, but those women were not the main focus of these publications. The laser-like focus of the magazines was on people named Kimberly Walsh, Lydia Bright and Amy Childs.

Which leads me to my central question: if these people are celebrities, shouldn’t I know who they are? Shouldn’t they have done something? I think I’m pretty current on pop culture. I see a million movies, watch TV - although mostly stuff available on Netflix -  and even occasionally catch TMZ.

Which brings us to that staple of all things tabloid: the Kardashian family. Now because I haven’t lived under a rock for the last nine years, I am unfortunately well informed about Ms. Kim Kardashian West. She has at least done something. She has transformed her notorious ass and sex tape into an industry. Kim stars in endless reality shows which somebody watches, though I can’t find anyone who will admit to it.  She also apparently has a clothing line that is carried by Sears, (which may explain some of Sears’ recent financial difficulties), that someone must wear.

I really don’t understand all the other zillions of ‘K’-named siblings. Nor can I tell them apart. Who is Kortney? Khloe? Now there seems to be a Kendall and a Kylie as well. I know one of them was on an awards show recently and admitted that she can’t read, but has also just released a novel which was presumably ghost-written by some poor desperate hack who can. But I don’t know which one. They all seem to be interchangeable.

I realize that I sound a little like I’m telling kids to get off my lawn, and perhaps I am. But really I want to know: who or what is Michelle Keekan, Nicole Peltz or Colleen Rooney?  Where did they come from? Do they do anything? What am I missing?

I presume the people who matter - - like their parents and friends – know who these ‘celebrities’ are.  But doesn’t the very term ‘celebrity’ imply that the person in question is well-known? Doesn’t being classified as a celebrity mean that who you are is not a closely kept secret?

While this is not the stuff that keeps me up at night – I tend to be a more big scale worrier – you know,  Syria, poverty and the current Supreme Court – but I am a little troubled. Does my ignorance of these people mean I’m out of touch and old? Or does it just mean my priorities are a different?

I like to think it’s the latter. The trouble is, I’ll be going to get my hair cut in a few weeks, and will be faced with a whole new group of unknown ‘celebrities.’